The Four

Today I taught part 2 of a 9 week training series for our staff. It's like foster parent training but more focused on what we experience here. This week was probably my favorite topic and also the hardest, attachment issues. So I spent the last few days thinking about "the four". Probably anyone who knew me when I was a social worker in the States has heard all about "the four". The four kids that taught me basically everything I know about attachment issues, who I put everything on the line for in my job and still lost, who I walked through things that I still can't talk about without crying. The four that consumed my life and my job, who never ceased to confuse me or amaze me. The four that I still miss and worry about. I remember their birthdays, can rattle off their medications, and if I think hard could maybe give you medicaid numbers. I happen to know that as of this week they're back in the system and my heart breaks for them. It's hard for me to not be there now, to not be able to see or speak to them. It's hard to not do the if only's. If only I would have spoken louder or stronger. If only I would have made that judge listen to me. If only that attorney wouldn't have been so nasty to me. But God isn't in the "if only" business. He has plans for these kids, they're not forgotten and tossed around to him. He loves them and knows their pain even better than I did. So I have to trust that God has these kids and cares for them better than I ever could.